I had gone off the deep end, not that I fully realised it at the time. I'd become chronically depressed and due to my illness my perception of the world had changed. This wasn't something that happened overnight, it was a slow-growing parasite that only fully took hold at the beginning of 2003.
Now because I didn't know the first thing about depression and its debilitating effects, I honestly thought that I was going crazy. I no longer recognised the woman staring back at me in the mirror. I didn't recognise her way of thinking, her instabilities or her insecurities. These things were all new to me.
I did however know one thing for sure, that there was something definitely wrong with me. I just didn't know what it was, and that was the scariest thing of all. When a doctor told me that I was depressed my first instinct was to shake my head in disbelief. I'm a strong person who has surmounted every obstacle thrown my way. Surely, I can't be depressed!
That one little word kept coming back to haunt me until I eventually looked it up online and was amazed to discovered that actually I was, in no uncertain terms, depressed. This was not a turning point for me, which it should have been, but somewhere deep inside me I simply refused to believe what was right there in front of me.
I spent a long time raging against this new person I hardly knew and even more time trying to find the person I'd lost. None of which was constructive...
3 comments:
I guess I was not alone then, as I did the exact same. ;p My new life began OCT 2012 as I began my blog and advocating for others and myself.
Which led to seeking treatment for myself...I am telling my depression that there is a new sheriff in town so step aside.
Seven years in and I found a good doctor. Eight years in and I finally accepted that I was depressed and stopped raging against myself. Ten years in and I'm a transformed women, who doesn't cry for no good reason, practices yoga daily, and blogs about my experience during those ten years! Jerry things really do get better ;-)
Ive known my entire life(the times that I still can which are few and those are almost gone)that I wasnt really ok,but I somehow knew at 12 yrs old I believe that I was not going to live long enough to take advantage of the nifty senior discounts at some stores & resturants.my ends somewhere/time in my 40's.yeah,it troubled me but ive had some years and am not bothered by that or scared of it.havent been for a long time.i find it interesting,how afraid,etc. so many are of death and cant comprehend how come im not.reactions used to be irratative,now are either comical to me and sometimes sad.because its fear of unknowns that cause many to treat me as they do.
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