Feeling Left Out Again...

At the end of February of last year I got a phone call from my sister informing me that our mother (then aged 84) had suffered a major stroke and had been admitted to Addenbrooke's stroke ward, in Cambridge.

As I've already discussed, I felt immense sorrow and regret over not seeing my father before he died. So when my sister offered to pay for my ticket over to the UK to see our mother I jumped at the chance.

I put my life on hold for the next eight weeks and looked after my mother's every whim and need. It was a very stressful time in my life, without even taking into account things that were happening back in Belgium! That is a story for another day...

Then in November of last year my mother rang me up and announced that my son would be staying at University to study over the Christmas period. This bombshell left me feeling lower than low at a time in my life when I was already down in the dumps.

Eventually, I rang up my son only to find out that my mother wanted him to come and pick her up at home, take her over to Italy - where my sister and her family live - then return to Italy and take her back over to the UK. Now this vital piece of information, for what ever reason, my mother had withheld!

So we both agreed that he (my son) would come over to Brussels and spend the Christmas holidays with me, his godmother and our friends. Anyway, after talking to my sister it was agreed that we would all spend Christmas in Italy with her and her family... From my point of view we all had a good time but obviously something about this arrangement didn't sit well with my mother!

Now fast forward to last week, and yet another phone call from my mother letting me know that she was off to Italy, and yes you guessed it, once again she wanted my son to come and pick her up and take her over. Only this time my son would be spending a week in Italy before starting his summer job in London.

When I pointed out that had I have known I would have booked myself a ticket to Italy so that I could spend some time with my son she responded that she thought I was saving up to go to Sierra Leon (Africa) later this year. In that moment I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart, so I hung up on her.

I can't help but feeling that she orchestrated the whole thing so that I would not be able to come over. Why do I think this? This time around she dropped her bombshell two days before their departure, knowing full well that I would never find a cheap ticket or for that matter someone to come and look after my cats...

When it comes to my mother I perpetually feel like I'm all dressed up for the party, but never get the invitation. Furthermore, I hate the fact that the woman can still reduce me to tears!

...And Then There Was Me...

There is something to be said about the bond between a daughter and her father...

As a little girl I wanted nothing more than to grow up and marry mine. In fact, the sentiment I was trying to portray was to find a man like my father... with the same morals, sense of adventure and humour, with an ability to see the good and funny in most things in life. A perpetual optimist who enjoyed each day as if it where his first.

 

My father was truly a great man, with all of the aforementioned qualities, and while he was alive everything in the world seemed right... with his passing my world dimmed. I lost my footing for a while as it seemed, to me at least, that my father - the eternal believer in my abilities - had taken his faith with him, and that is when the negative, dark thoughts started to filter into my mind.

Perhaps it was because I felt a great deal of sorrow and regret for not getting the chance to say goodbye to this wonderful man I was lucky enough to call Daddy, and that feeling lingered and festered into an unhealthy dose of guilt. Add to that the repeated hiccups that every day life brings, and the stress starts to build with nowhere to go.

Now don't get me wrong I love my mother but she has the unique ability to rub me up the wrong way. Where my father saw only the good in me, my mother has always tended to see the bad and okay as a teenager I was rebellious to a fault. Having said that I'm now in my forties and have come a long way from the rebel I was. Yet still my mother finds fault, and unfortunately from where I'm sitting, will never fully approve of me or the life I chose...

The ABC Of Mental Health Project

The other day I wrote about a virtual community currently housed on Google Plus - Dopamine Stream - that offers support to Mental Health sufferers by way of an allocated sponsor...

 

As part of this community I'm setting up a blog aptly called The ABC Of Mental Health. A place for Mental Health sufferers and caregivers to share their stories, experiences and tips. If you would like to share your Mental Health Journey, let me know!

Furthermore, I want to create a series of fact sheets highlighting the ABC of Mental Health disorders. An easy to follow info sheet of each disorder's symptoms, pertinent websites, and other relevant information. So, if you're a medical professional - specifically working in the Mental Health field - and would like to share your valuable insights and expertise please contact me.

I would love to hear all your ideas, suggestions and thoughts on the matter, the more the merrier! If, like me, you want to see the stigma attached to Mental Health eradicated and believe that the only way to do so is by informing others, one person at a time. If you're interested and would like to be part of this fledgling project drop me a line, be it as a Mental Health sufferer, Mental Health caregiver or Medical professional working in the field...

DS Is For A Virtual Community...

I believe that a group of people or community can create an environment for change... The more we Stand Up for what we believe in, the more chances we have of being noticed as a Community, especially when it comes to Mental Health issues. The more we are noticed as a Community, the more chances we have of being heard as One Voice. The more we are heard as One Voice, the more chances we have of stopping the stigma unjustly attached to Mental Health...

So to that end I'm going to write about an online community that I am both a member of and a Sponsor. Dopamine Stream is a safe virtual community - set up for Mental Health sufferers by Mental Health sufferers - where you can be heard without judgement. We are an open-minded mixing pot of Mental Health sufferers and some Mental Health professionals, all with a common goal to see the system change when it comes to Mental Health and any issues associated with it.

We understand just how hard it can be sometimes to open up to the people closest to you. This, unfortunately, holds especially true when it come to our Mental Health. As a group of people, we are uniquely placed to understand where you are coming from and what you are going through, as we have been there ourselves. Sometimes it is easy to be honest and frank with a stranger then someone you know, and that is what your allocated sponsor it there for!

All our sponsors are volunteers and either suffer from - and have found a balance - or have suffered from Mental Health issues. We are always on the look out for volunteers to join us, so if you're a medical professional or a survivor of Mental Health issues and would like to give back by joining our ranks of sponsors we would love to hear from you. Even if you only have a couple of hours a week of your time to volunteer, every little bit counts...

So Come & Join Us @ Dopamine Stream..

It All Started... Part Two

Previously...

Back in 1951, the pubs in New Zealand closed at 6pm, while hotel bars stayed open for their guests until 11pm. Now, Rae had ever been in a pub but it seemed like the most natural thing to go for a drink before dinner. Earlier, as she had climbed into her car, her mother had warned, ‘Don't go up to his room and stick to ginger ale.’ Now feeling slightly rebellious, Rae let Ted order her a gin and tonic. As she sat on her bar stool sipping her drink, she felt that she had finally arrived.

 

Dinner at the hotel restaurant was a relaxed and leisurely affair. It was generally assumed by the staff that men ate more than women did, and accordingly, they were always served bigger portions along with seconds if they wanted them. Their buxom waitress, Nancy, was all over Ted, keeping his plate full while giving Rae the cold shoulder. Although Rae was very petite, she was more than capable of eating huge quantities when the food was good. But if she was slighted by the waitress, she hardly noticed, because Ted only had eyes for her.

After dinner, they took a long walk around Oriental Bay. Wellington had never looked as beautiful to Rae as it did that evening. Back at the hotel, Ted invited her up to his room for a pot of Earl Grey tea. She was rapidly falling for this stranger whose voice sent shivers down her spine. They drank their tea and continued chatting until Ted dozed off on his single bed. Feeling tired, Rae curled up next to him and fell asleep, as though it were the most natural thing in the world.

At midnight, the ringing of the phone woke them abruptly. Ted instinctively went to answer it but stopped short when Rae screamed. ‘Don’t answer that, it’s my mother!’

She ran around in a panic, gathering her purse and shoes. Ted accompanied her to the car, then leaned in the car window and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. ‘Good night and sweet dreams, Rae.’

When Rae got home, her mother was waiting in the kitchen, a pot of tea brewing, and an expectant look on her face. Obviously, her mother was full of questions but she remained smugly uncommitted throughout the inquisition.

Three weeks later, Ted was back on business and he rang again. Her mother answered the phone, while Rae signalled to her that she was not in. Accordingly, Win informed Ted that Rae was off on a weekend trip to the Marlborough Sounds, and then promptly agreed to have dinner that evening.

That is how it came to be that Rae was home alone on a Saturday night, while her mother was out having dinner with her date. At 4am when her mother got home Rae was livid but she suppressed all interest in what she had to say about the evening. Even so, she was wounded by another snide remark, this time that Ted, fifteen years Rae’s senior, was too old for her. Somehow, Rae bit back that if Ted was too old for her, then he was equally too young for Win, being fifteen years her junior.

Still, Rae learnt something about herself that morning; she was willing to fight for her man. Next time Ted called, Rae almost tripped over the carpet in her rush to answer the phone. On their second date, they had dinner again and went dancing afterwards. Only this time as they were saying good night, Ted leant his head in the car window and kissed her gently on the lips.

 

Rae Baker and Ted Wood, my parents, were married at the Wesley church on 19^th February 1954. In 1955, my father invented the first automated starting stalls for racehorses. Together, my parents travelled the world, visiting one exotic location after another, while he installed his invention. My mother has often said that her life truly began the moment she met my father. By anyone’s standards, my parents had an incredible life together right up until my father’s death on 26^th February 2001. Had he lived, my parents would have celebrated their 59^th wedding anniversary this year.

It All Started... Part One

Rae had been restless all day. Whatever she did, her thoughts kept returning to Douglas and their two-year-old engagement. Most of her friends dreamt of getting married, but not Rae. She felt sure she had a lot of living to do before making that sort of commitment. She had met Douglas at a dance, and though he was a good dancer and a nice person there were no sparks. Still all their friends thought they were a perfect match.

Normally this would not have swayed Rae, but her mother learned that Douglas worked for the Post Office. Her snide remark (‘So, he’s a stamp licker.’) made Rae view her suitor in a more favourable light. Who do you think you are, she thought, but stopped short of saying anything.

When the phone rang, Rae considered not answering it for a second in case it was Douglas.

‘Hello?’ Hearing a resonant male voice respond, she relaxed immediately.

‘Good afternoon, Ted Wood here, may I speak to Win Baker please.’

Feeling slight flustered Rae had to sit down, ‘I’m sorry but Win isn’t at home right now.’

‘Are you Laurie’s daughter by any chance?’

‘No, Laurie is my uncle. I’m Rae, Win’s daughter.’

‘But Win doesn’t have a daughter, her brother Laurie does though.’

Then it clicked, Ted Wood probably wanted to talk to the previous tenant, who by a strange coincidence was also named Win Baker. She felt inexplicably disappointed; however, he did not seem at all bothered that they did not know each other. ‘So tell me a little bit about yourself Rae.’

Over the next hour, they chatted easily about everything from current events to what they did for a living. Ted smoothly rounded off the conversation by asking Rae out to dinner. This made her blush with pleasure, but she declined gracefully, cursing her engagement to Douglas once more.

Rae had intended to call off the engagement from the moment she’d accepted, but had never found the courage. As luck would have it, Douglas turned up on her doorstep a couple of days later with an ultimatum that propelled her into action.

‘Our engagement has gone on long enough. I’m giving you two months, Rae. Set a date for the wedding or I’ll call it off.’ He stood there awkwardly waiting to see what her reaction would be.

Rae was shocked, but more so to hear herself saying, ‘I really don’t feel confident enough to take such a step Doug. I think it would be best for everyone concerned if we call it off now.’

There, it was out. She had finally told Douglas how she really felt and it was a relief. With those words, a weight lifted from her shoulders and her life was filled with possibilities again.

As the months passed, Rae sometimes thought back to the conversation she’d had with Ted. After what seemed to her like an eternity, he was back in Wellington on business and rang up to invite her to dinner. Even though she’d been enjoying her freedom, a little voice told her to go for it. She agreed to meet him the following evening at his hotel, the Royal Oak, one of the most prestigious hotels in the city.

 

Rae felt apprehensive as she drove her blue Humber 6 to Manners Street, realising for the first time that she had never seen the man she was about to meet. The manager was manning the reception desk when Rae entered the hotel foyer, and inquired if he could help her. Subduing the urge to bolt from the lobby as fast as her stilettos would allow, Rae smiled nervously and announced that she had come to meet Mr Ted Wood. Picking up the desk phone, the manager directed her to wait in the lounge. Sitting there opposite the door, the apprehension came back and the desire to bolt returned. Thankfully, before she could act on her impulse a tall well-dressed man walked over to her, hand outstretched.

‘Hello, Rae, sorry I’m late. I’ve just come back from calibrating a ship. Would you care to join me in my room while I freshen up?’

Paying no heed to her mother’s teachings, she accepted. Ted exuded confidence, he was relaxed and charming, which put Rae instantly at ease. As he shaved, he chatted amiably to her reflection in the mirror. The click, clack of his rocker razor was unique, just like the man standing in front of her.

To be continued...

Working & Playing To Our Strengths...

"Using what you've got..." does not mean flaunt all your bodily attributes, just your innate talents. At first glance, you might be fooled into thinking that this is a limited edition, but these talents are tucked away in what we like to do, and in most cases do well. So why make life any harder than it should be? Good Question...

It would seem that a lot of us have the tendency to channel our energies into the things we may not like or even be good at, but instead we should hone our strengths and reach our optimum. Consider me this... How many hours a week do you spend working either at the office or at home? In all likelihood, it totals more hours than you spend on other activities. So now let me ask you this, how many of those working hours, do you actually enjoy and get a sense of accomplishment out of?

Not all that it could be, with room for improvement. Perhaps you are spending too much time and energy on your weaknesses i.e. things you don't enjoy doing and struggle to do when you have to. Would your time not be better spent, and even more productive, if you could simply focus on your area of talents and hone your skills to perfection.

 

I have the "Maximiser" and "Developer" talents - both have the common theme of growth - on the one hand, I maximise on people's strengths while with the other I will develop their potential over time - how much time depends on the individual. Now for this to happen I must gleam a spark of interest along with a potential to grow in the other person, needless to say this doesn't always happen! This is why I am selective with my friends; first, I must find their strengths and potential, before granting them the friend status.

I also have the "Empathy" talent, which gives me the ability to put myself in other people's shoes, but do not mistake my empathy for sympathy. My "Empathy" talent works well with my "Activator" talent, the side of me that can make the tough decisions even when some people's feelings might get hurt. That "Empathy" talent really doesn't like hurting people's feelings. The impatient "Activator" talent works well with the "Strategic" best way forward talent that I also have.

To sum it all up, I have the "Maximiser", "Developer", "Empathy", "Strategic" and "Activator" strengths - themes. So what is my ideal job? This is a question I have been asking myself recently, now that I'm on the first steps of the road to recovery!

A Is For A Mid-Life Adventure!

When I think back on it, I’ve always been susceptible to stress... The difference being that in my twenties, most things were new and unknown. In those days, back when everything ran at a slower pace, I bounced back from obstacles with ease. Like I said all those little set backs were okay the first time around.

However, by the second and third time around, the stress levels started to mount. Along with an ever-growing workload to be finished almost the second you’ve been handed it. Okay that is an exaggeration but you get my point. By the time I got to my thirties, these little and not so little unpleasant events were getting old. If I’d known then what I know now, I probably would have started practising Yoga in my twenties, but I digress...

Back in 2001, a good friend invited me to spend two weeks at her ex in-laws’, in a small picturesque village, Ostuni, in the south of Italy. Things went south, figuratively speaking, when a Third Wheel invited herself on our Italian get away. How did she manage that I hear you ask. Well, she told each of us that the other one had invited her, and so it was that our little duo became a trio.

Right from the get go the Third Wheel tried to impose her will on our actions. It started with a simple request, she wanted to spend a day visiting Rome, as she never been there before. So we accommodated, but originally my friend and I had planned to catch the night train to Ostuni the same evening as we arrived. Now please bear in mind that we both thought that the other one had invited the Third Wheel, so in the beginning we, somewhat, let things slide. Unfortunately, this started an avalanche effect of ridiculous demands from her.

This was the drop of water for me that made the glass overflow, and once the doors to the dam had been opened, there was no stopping the torrent. The Third Wheel’s antics got very old very fast, and my already short fuse blew. However, the woman just couldn’t or wouldn’t – that’s still up for debate – take a hint no matter how straight to the point or obvious it was. Our first, and only evening, in Rome and I’d had more than I could stomach of the Third Wheel, and we hadn't even started our holiday.

It had begun the morning of our departure, with a phone call at 7:30am, asking me to go and do her last-minute shopping. Barely awake I was in no mood, so after a curt response I hung up on her. There’s just no dissuading some people... She called back an hour later to inform me that there was a Strike, accompanied by protesters, at the airport. Then she dropped the lovely tip bit, that she would be coming to pick me up in 45 minutes. I hadn’t even had my first cup of coffee, and I don’t like being rushed in the morning.

Finally, at the airport without a solitary protester in sight, she tried – unsuccessfully I might add – to take my window seat on the plane. She wanted to sit next to me, as if I really cared at that point. As it transpired she sat – much to my chagrin – right behind me in her very own window seat - imagine that another seat next to a window in a plane!

I will not enumerate the countless other occasions that she tried to manipulate us into bending to her will, each time more ridiculous than the last... Like the time she asked my friend if she could borrow her trainers, while my friend was wearing them. I did my utmost not to let her spoil my Holiday, but the Third Wheel had such an adverse effect on me that she made me physically ill. I must be one of the only women to go to sunny, southern Italy and lose 10 kilograms, in as many days.

 

At our wits end and out of options, we waited for the Third Wheel to fall asleep - one morning following a long night of partying – before sneaking back out to the Travel Agency and changing my return flight. This meant that the original duo had five days to catch up on the fun, and catch up we did. I would like to add that once the Third Wheel had left I was no longer sick!

The moral to this story is never invite – or in our case are duped into inviting – a Third Wheel on holiday when you already have a perfectly good bicycle. We had left for our holiday as good friends and returned from it best friends. Our dynamic duo has endured and grown over the years...

Nomination & Nominees for ‘The Sunshine Award’

I’ve been nominated for the Sunshine Award and this time I've been nominated by two talented bloggers Carrie Lange and Anna . This took me completely by surprise and totally made my day twice over, so a Big Thank You to you for nominating me Carrie and Anna! Doing my little happy jig...

Here are the Sunshine Award’s simple rules:

• Post the Sunshine Award logo
• Then nominate 10 fellow bloggers you feel are worthy of this award
• Announce their nomination on their blog
• Plus, link a ping-back to the nominator’s blog

Questions for all nominees:

• Favourite colour? Purple
• Favourite animal? My two cats, Tigger & Mr. Tibbs
• Favourite number? 9
• Favourite non-alcoholic drink? Fizzy Water
• Favourite alcoholic drink? Mojito
• Facebook or Twitter? Never Twitted a day in my life, I do have a Facebook page but I only accept people I've met in real life - I'm old school like that.
• My Passions? Cooking, reading, writing, travelling, my fantastic son and my friends, not necessarily in that order!
• Giving or Receiving Gifts? Both are rewarding!

…And my 10 nominees are…

1. Zachary Philips Freeman http://freemanologist.com/
2. Voices of Glass http://voicesofglass.com/
3. Tink http://tinksdoterraoils.wordpress.com/
4. Infinite Sadness or Hope http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/
5. Alienora Taylor http://glipho.com/alienorajt
6. David Farland http://glipho.com/davidfarland
7. Ruby Tuesday http://mywonderfulabnormalmind.com/ 
8.  Tallulah "Lulu" Stark http://sunnywithachanceofarmageddon.wordpress.com/
9. Manic Monday http://manicmonday123.wordpress.com
10. Alice@Wonderland http://aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com

…Go check out their fantastic blogs…

Thank you again ladies for nominating me and my little blog, this really means a lot to me!