Feeling Left Out Again...

At the end of February of last year I got a phone call from my sister informing me that our mother (then aged 84) had suffered a major stroke and had been admitted to Addenbrooke's stroke ward, in Cambridge.

As I've already discussed, I felt immense sorrow and regret over not seeing my father before he died. So when my sister offered to pay for my ticket over to the UK to see our mother I jumped at the chance.

I put my life on hold for the next eight weeks and looked after my mother's every whim and need. It was a very stressful time in my life, without even taking into account things that were happening back in Belgium! That is a story for another day...

Then in November of last year my mother rang me up and announced that my son would be staying at University to study over the Christmas period. This bombshell left me feeling lower than low at a time in my life when I was already down in the dumps.

Eventually, I rang up my son only to find out that my mother wanted him to come and pick her up at home, take her over to Italy - where my sister and her family live - then return to Italy and take her back over to the UK. Now this vital piece of information, for what ever reason, my mother had withheld!

So we both agreed that he (my son) would come over to Brussels and spend the Christmas holidays with me, his godmother and our friends. Anyway, after talking to my sister it was agreed that we would all spend Christmas in Italy with her and her family... From my point of view we all had a good time but obviously something about this arrangement didn't sit well with my mother!

Now fast forward to last week, and yet another phone call from my mother letting me know that she was off to Italy, and yes you guessed it, once again she wanted my son to come and pick her up and take her over. Only this time my son would be spending a week in Italy before starting his summer job in London.

When I pointed out that had I have known I would have booked myself a ticket to Italy so that I could spend some time with my son she responded that she thought I was saving up to go to Sierra Leon (Africa) later this year. In that moment I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart, so I hung up on her.

I can't help but feeling that she orchestrated the whole thing so that I would not be able to come over. Why do I think this? This time around she dropped her bombshell two days before their departure, knowing full well that I would never find a cheap ticket or for that matter someone to come and look after my cats...

When it comes to my mother I perpetually feel like I'm all dressed up for the party, but never get the invitation. Furthermore, I hate the fact that the woman can still reduce me to tears!

The ABC Of Mental Health Project

The other day I wrote about a virtual community currently housed on Google Plus - Dopamine Stream - that offers support to Mental Health sufferers by way of an allocated sponsor...

 

As part of this community I'm setting up a blog aptly called The ABC Of Mental Health. A place for Mental Health sufferers and caregivers to share their stories, experiences and tips. If you would like to share your Mental Health Journey, let me know!

Furthermore, I want to create a series of fact sheets highlighting the ABC of Mental Health disorders. An easy to follow info sheet of each disorder's symptoms, pertinent websites, and other relevant information. So, if you're a medical professional - specifically working in the Mental Health field - and would like to share your valuable insights and expertise please contact me.

I would love to hear all your ideas, suggestions and thoughts on the matter, the more the merrier! If, like me, you want to see the stigma attached to Mental Health eradicated and believe that the only way to do so is by informing others, one person at a time. If you're interested and would like to be part of this fledgling project drop me a line, be it as a Mental Health sufferer, Mental Health caregiver or Medical professional working in the field...

DS Is For A Virtual Community...

I believe that a group of people or community can create an environment for change... The more we Stand Up for what we believe in, the more chances we have of being noticed as a Community, especially when it comes to Mental Health issues. The more we are noticed as a Community, the more chances we have of being heard as One Voice. The more we are heard as One Voice, the more chances we have of stopping the stigma unjustly attached to Mental Health...

So to that end I'm going to write about an online community that I am both a member of and a Sponsor. Dopamine Stream is a safe virtual community - set up for Mental Health sufferers by Mental Health sufferers - where you can be heard without judgement. We are an open-minded mixing pot of Mental Health sufferers and some Mental Health professionals, all with a common goal to see the system change when it comes to Mental Health and any issues associated with it.

We understand just how hard it can be sometimes to open up to the people closest to you. This, unfortunately, holds especially true when it come to our Mental Health. As a group of people, we are uniquely placed to understand where you are coming from and what you are going through, as we have been there ourselves. Sometimes it is easy to be honest and frank with a stranger then someone you know, and that is what your allocated sponsor it there for!

All our sponsors are volunteers and either suffer from - and have found a balance - or have suffered from Mental Health issues. We are always on the look out for volunteers to join us, so if you're a medical professional or a survivor of Mental Health issues and would like to give back by joining our ranks of sponsors we would love to hear from you. Even if you only have a couple of hours a week of your time to volunteer, every little bit counts...

So Come & Join Us @ Dopamine Stream..

Working & Playing To Our Strengths...

"Using what you've got..." does not mean flaunt all your bodily attributes, just your innate talents. At first glance, you might be fooled into thinking that this is a limited edition, but these talents are tucked away in what we like to do, and in most cases do well. So why make life any harder than it should be? Good Question...

It would seem that a lot of us have the tendency to channel our energies into the things we may not like or even be good at, but instead we should hone our strengths and reach our optimum. Consider me this... How many hours a week do you spend working either at the office or at home? In all likelihood, it totals more hours than you spend on other activities. So now let me ask you this, how many of those working hours, do you actually enjoy and get a sense of accomplishment out of?

Not all that it could be, with room for improvement. Perhaps you are spending too much time and energy on your weaknesses i.e. things you don't enjoy doing and struggle to do when you have to. Would your time not be better spent, and even more productive, if you could simply focus on your area of talents and hone your skills to perfection.

 

I have the "Maximiser" and "Developer" talents - both have the common theme of growth - on the one hand, I maximise on people's strengths while with the other I will develop their potential over time - how much time depends on the individual. Now for this to happen I must gleam a spark of interest along with a potential to grow in the other person, needless to say this doesn't always happen! This is why I am selective with my friends; first, I must find their strengths and potential, before granting them the friend status.

I also have the "Empathy" talent, which gives me the ability to put myself in other people's shoes, but do not mistake my empathy for sympathy. My "Empathy" talent works well with my "Activator" talent, the side of me that can make the tough decisions even when some people's feelings might get hurt. That "Empathy" talent really doesn't like hurting people's feelings. The impatient "Activator" talent works well with the "Strategic" best way forward talent that I also have.

To sum it all up, I have the "Maximiser", "Developer", "Empathy", "Strategic" and "Activator" strengths - themes. So what is my ideal job? This is a question I have been asking myself recently, now that I'm on the first steps of the road to recovery!

U Is For The Ultimate Blog Challenge

Just over a month ago, I came across this banner on a blog I was reading and thought that I should try it. Now what was I going to write about? That was the big question, and like most people who enjoy writing I'd heard the adage about writing what you know, but what if what you know best is depression?

After all, I'd spent 10 years of my adult life battling this debilitating illness, crying for no apparent reason and willing myself, unsuccessfully I might add, out of the safety of my bed. I'd been evicted from my home, let the bills pile up unopened, had the bailiffs knocking on my door all because I simply couldn't face the world and the challenges it was throwing at me.

I had a lot to say on depression and what it had done to me, but was that enough? It was a good thing that since the beginning of the year I'd noticed a distinct improvement to my once gloomy disposition. With the help of a great doctor, who had finally found the right combination of anti-depressants for me, things were looking up.

On top of knowing the subject matter inside out - so to speak - I could also offer hope to the countless others out there going through what I'd been through, and I felt that that was important. If I could help people avoid the mistakes I'd made, perhaps even make a difference in just one person’s life that would be enough.

I set about getting a blog and writing my very first post. In the back of my mind I kept thinking if this doesn’t go well I can always stop, but the feedback I started to get, from people all over the world, was incredible. A real boost to my damaged self-confidence and this only encouraged me to keep writing. I’m so glad that I took up the challenge and started this blog, as the experience has been great!

J Is For The Journey Of Life

As the late, great John Lennon once sang 'life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans'. We can't control every little thing no matter how hard we try but part of the thrill of life is those unexpected twists and turns. You start on one course and end up on a very different one...

I know my life hasn't always gone as planned, but that journey has taken me to places I may never have visited of my own free volition. I never planned to succumb to depression - well let’s face it no one would - but that journey lead me to discover so much about myself. It is now very much a part of what makes me, me!

In all likelihood, I would have never started this blog or met some of the incredible people who have inspired me to keep writing. Looking back on my journey to date, some of the most memorable times in my life were the unplanned ones, the ones that just came about.

So for today, I'm happy to be me and to have friends who accept me for who I am. I now look forward to tomorrow and all that it may bring, like a blank page in a notebook waiting to be filled...

G Is For The Grass Isn’t Always Greener!

If you are sitting in the comfort of your living room, office or bedroom, reading this that probably means that you are lucky enough to have a roof over your head. Even if the end of each month is a perpetual financial juggle, there are people in the world who would give their right arm - metaphorically speaking - to have a place they could call home.

One thing that has always kept things in perspective for me, no matter how bad things got, was that at any given time, there is always someone worse off than I am. So today, I'd like to cast a thought for the people of Sri Lanka who has lived through 25 years of Civil War.

A war that has bought significant hardships to its people, with an estimated 80,000 to 100,000 people killed during its course. If that wasn't bad enough, in 2004 the Asian Tsunami killed over 35,000 people. Many of these people have lost their land, homes and loved ones, and for them every day is a struggle simply to survive.

So next time you're feeling down because your life hasn't turned out quite as you had planned remember that you would be considered lucky in another part of the world. Sadly there will always be people living through worse than you, just be grateful for what you do have and strive everyday to change the things that you can!

R Is For The Road To Recovery...

These last ten years have been very intense for me...

There were times when it felt like I'd moved forward two-steps only to jump back 15, but the one important thing to remember, for anyone out there going through a tough time, is I never gave up. There were times when everything seemed insurmountable, almost impossible, but with perseverance and patience, a way forward did become clear.

These days, I try not to spread myself too thin and only tackle one problem at a time, easier said than done sometimes. It is easy to slip back into old ways, but that is what led me down the dark and twisty road of depression in the first place. I now know that stress is my mortal enemy, and I avoid it like a hole in the head.

Five months ago, I took up Ashtanga yoga, which has helped me no end and I would recommend it to anyone dealing with enormous amounts of stress in their day-to-day lives. Furthermore, I use to have to visit my osteopath at least twice a year to get rid of all the knots and kinks in my back. Since starting yoga all my back problems have disappeared and I've regained the suppleness, I had in my twenties.

On a very different note, this weekend is the Jazz Marathon in Brussels. Two of my dearest friends will be doing their thing and I’m really looking forward to cheering them on. They have both been such a huge part of my life, and their encouragement and support throughout my ordeal have kept me relatively sane. Well, as I’ve said before I was never 100% sane to begin with and that’s okay!

W Is For Wake Up & Smell The Roses!

None of which was constructive...

Fast forward seven years and things weren't really any better. I'd just become very adept at brushing almost everything I couldn't cope with under the carpet. That was until the day came when I tripped over the aforementioned carpet, landed flat on my face, and everything came crashing down again. Only this time it was worse and I simply couldn't deny the facts any more.

I did try to go to work the next day, but that didn't work out quite how I had planned. So out of options I went to see my doctor - a different one from the last time. At least I had learnt from that experience. This time the doctor took the time to listen to what was actually going on in my life. He could see many of my symptoms were as a sat there opposite him crying uncontrollably, determinedly mutilating the damp tissue in my shaking hands.

Eight years down the line and I had just started to accept the fact that I was chronically depressed and contrary to by belief this was not a sign of weakness - quite the opposite in fact - not that it made me feel any better at the time.

Over the course of the next two years, spattered with the occasional up and lots of downs, I learnt to be patient with myself. Something rather novel for me as I'd never been very patient to begin with. There was some trial and error involved in finding the right combination of anti-depressants for me, but eventually the ups were more frequent and the down less debilitating. I was finally on the right track…

S Is For Sanity, Now Where Did I Put Mine?

I never really thought of myself as 100% sane, after all, I come with a nice little list of quirks. Don't we all? It wasn't until the end of 2002 that I started seriously questioning my sanity. Had I gone off the deep end or had my perception of the world changed? In all fairness to myself, it was a bit of both!

I had gone off the deep end, not that I fully realised it at the time. I'd become chronically depressed and due to my illness my perception of the world had changed. This wasn't something that happened overnight, it was a slow-growing parasite that only fully took hold at the beginning of 2003.

Now because I didn't know the first thing about depression and its debilitating effects, I honestly thought that I was going crazy. I no longer recognised the woman staring back at me in the mirror. I didn't recognise her way of thinking, her instabilities or her insecurities. These things were all new to me.

I did however know one thing for sure, that there was something definitely wrong with me. I just didn't know what it was, and that was the scariest thing of all. When a doctor told me that I was depressed my first instinct was to shake my head in disbelief. I'm a strong person who has surmounted every obstacle thrown my way. Surely, I can't be depressed!

That one little word kept coming back to haunt me until I eventually looked it up online and was amazed to discovered that actually I was, in no uncertain terms, depressed. This was not a turning point for me, which it should have been, but somewhere deep inside me I simply refused to believe what was right there in front of me.

I spent a long time raging against this new person I hardly knew and even more time trying to find the person I'd lost. None of which was constructive...

E Is For Cause & Effect

The release of the fifth version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) has created quiet a stir among psychiatrists and in the Media. I’m not a medical professional but I do have a vested interest in the way people suffering from a Mental Illness are treated, having suffered from chronic depression myself...

Just over 10 years ago, aged 32, my life fell apart. I went to see my, then, doctor who asked me a series of questions relating to my symptoms and quickly concluded that I was suffering from depression. I left his office with a prescription for Effexor (an antidepressant) and Xanax (an anti-anxiety) and was sent on my not so merry way. No follow-up appointment, no helpful tips or advice on how to deal with my illness, just a slip of paper.

Two weeks later, I work up, covered in bruises with absolutely no recollection of what had happened to me. It was beyond scary; I have always prided myself of being in control, one of the reasons I rarely drink and never to excess. Yet there I was on my 33^rd Birthday with a 3-day hole in my memory!

I got rid of all my medication, thought to hell with doctors and waited for the worse to pass. I spent many a dark day sitting on the edge of my bed trying to find the energy and motivation simply to get up. Now fast-forward 7 years, I’m back in that morbid dark place having suffered a rather public breakdown at work.

This time around, I was far luckier. I had a different doctor who actually took the time to ask me about my personal and professional life before even broaching the subject of symptoms. He discussed with me the different treatment options and chose one that suited me. He signed me off work and suggested things that I should change in my life. This doctor didn’t just treat my symptoms he went out of his way to discover the causes behind them, and that made all the difference!

K Is For Kindness Towards Yourself!

Random Acts of Kindness Barnstar

There was a time when I loved myself unconditionally, and although I never claimed to be perfect I was happy with who I was. All that changed when I became depressed, for the first time I hated myself. Hated the fact that most days I couldn't get out of bed, hated myself for being, as I perceived it, pathetic.

It took me a long time to get over that hatred and learn to love myself again just the way I was. One of the reasons was because I could clearly remember who I once was, and I missed that person with every inch of my being. All I wanted was to get back to my old self, reclaim my life and carry on. Like that had worked so well for me!

Then one day I realised that the old me, the twenty-year-old me, the impatient me, the charge ahead regardless me, was gone forever. Not because of my illness but because I was no longer twenty. From that moment, I started the journey of discovering who the forty-year-old me was like.

I learnt to accept that change was just that and more often than not was for the best. Once I'd grieved for the twenty-year-old me and accepted that the thirty-year-old me had battled with the dark side, I set about loving the forty-year-old me. After all she wasn't so bad, she was wiser, more patient and far more in tune with herself.

So please be kind and gentler with yourself. There is only one you, and you can't really expect others to love you if you don't love yourself!

O Is For Ostrich Syndrome...

During the decade I battled with depression, I spent a number of years with my head in the sand. At the time, I had little money, even less energy, and was very ill-equipped for any kind of battle other than the one going on in my mind. So, I started to ignore certain aspects of my daily life.

One of my biggest dreads, at that time, was the mail. Gone were the days of receiving letters from friends who live on the other side of the world, or the picturesque postcard from those on holiday. Now days it's all ominous brown envelopes containing bills, bills and more bills.

My depressed addled brain reasoned that as I didn't have the money to pay the bills why put myself through the stress and worry. So I simply stopped opening those nasty brown envelops. As I'm sure you can imagine this didn't stop the bills from coming, oh no. Now I had a large shoebox full of those nasty brown envelopes.

I would kid myself that if I ever ran out of toilet paper those nasty brown envelopes would come in very handy. Of course, I never did run out of toilet paper and over the years, one large shoebox became two and then three. Unfortunately, bills like chewing gum on the bottom of your trainers have a tendency of sticking, sometime long after you've forgotten about them.

Now let me tell you that by the time I did get around to opening my mounting collection of brown envelopes, not only did I have debt collectors pestering me, but half the time I couldn't even remember which bill they were pestering me about. So, if you are living through a similar situation, don't do what I did. Ask a trusted friend or family member to take over the dreaded brown envelope duty until such a time when you are better able to cope.

T Is For Therapist

My 10-year battle with depression led me to seek out a therapist’s help. As a sufferer of depression, you cannot unload everything of those nearest and dearest to you, and this is where a therapist comes into play.

One important piece of advice I can give you when looking for a therapist; find someone who has more life experience than you do. Someone who puts you directly at ease and in whose advice you trust.

 

This was not the case for me… The therapist I went to see was a good 15 years my junior, fresh out of University and had very little life experience of her own. She also had the annoying habit of pointing out the blatantly obvious, without ever taking into consideration the actual ramifications of her futile statements.

Things came to a head one day when she told me, not even suggested, that I had to move out of my lovely apartment and find somewhere cheaper to live. Like the thought had never crossed my mind, considering our previous long discussion about my then financial situation. I was frustrated and angry all at the same time. Angry with her for once again stating the obvious and frustrated with myself for letting my life get so out of hand.

That session did not end well; I got up from my chair and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she had over stepped the mark before leaving her office and never returning!

Articles & Post you may find interesting:

• How to choose a therapist (dirtydepression.wordpress.com)
• How can I benefit from a therapist who doesn't seem very smart? (ask.metafilter.com)
• Psychiatrists under fire in Mental Health battle (guardian.co.uk)

C Is For A Cautionary Tale

Three years ago day-for-day I had a very public breakdown at work, in front of all and sundry. Not really my finest hour! This was not my first time in the dark corridors of depression, but I promised myself there and then that it would be my last.

When I went to see my doctor I honestly believed that I would take a couple of weeks off work and come back rested and relaxed. Well that was three years ago and I still haven’t gone back to work. Even though I’m doing a lot better I’m in no rush to go back into the stressful work environment that led me to my depressive breakdown in the first place.

 The only way to learn is by making mistakes, falling flat on your face, picking yourself up, brushing yourself off and trying something different. No one can get everything right the first time around; a certain amount of trial and error is required.

I can now look back over those three years with a sense of peace and achievement. I know myself better than I ever have before; I know my triggers, my boundaries and my limitations. I am at a point in my life where I’ve made enough mistakes to know what doesn’t work for me, and even though I still don’t have all the answer I do know the things I should avoid.

Interesting Articles:

• Fighting Depression - 4 Little Steps Go A Long Way (blogs.psychcentral.com)
• Hyperbole and a Half's Wrenching, True 'Adventures in Depression' (blogher.com)

L Is For Momentary Lapse

Yesterday started out great, I was upbeat and optimistic even though the weather was grey and drizzly. Then I received an email from someone I don't really know at all...

It is not always true that those who know us best can hurt us the most. After reading one short sentence I found myself, inexplicably crying, and not because what was written was sad. Rather, I felt that I'd been chastised by a child, and even though I put myself in the other person's shoes, it still left an all too familiar sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

This sudden burst of emotion took me by surprise, it had been a while since this had happened to me, damn those over active tear ducts. My first instinct was to reprimand that insolent child but at the same time I knew that what had been written wasn't meant to hurt, after all we didn't know each other. Yet somehow, that was exactly what that short sentence had done.

I took a long, hot shower, in the hope that it would wash away the negativity that had descended on me. I turned on my essential oil diffuser in an attempt to cleanse my mood. Finally, I curled up on my bed and went to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. Something else I haven't done in a while, consequently I was up until the wee hours of the morning.

Thankfully, when I woke up today the sun was shining not just outside but in me as well. It was all but a momentary lapse and not a step back into that dark place I’d resided in for so long!

Reality Is An Illusion, Albeit A Pretty Persistent One….

So said Albert Einstein and this is a point worth making, especially if you start feeling that things are getting on top of you. Take a deep breath and consider for a moment how you, and you alone, can change your reality, how you perceive your reality and hence how you live your reality.

It was this article that reminded me of this universal truth, I like the way she relates this back to a trapped bird, that way we have, particularly in times of stress, of - well - banging away at the problem rather than stepping back and considering it, looking for the opportunities, changing our ‘experience’ perspective.

Anyway, this is easier said than done when you are indeed ‘stuck’ in a bad place. Knowing this is in your head does not always help - so resorting to a few helpful little tricks to re-gain clarity is what is needed.

I always find dipping into a good transformational book helpful, and I mean dip, pick it up and open at random and see what insightful message is there for you.

Fresh air... go out, walk, run, cycle, shuffle, whatever it takes to fill your lungs with new air. And don’t let the weather become an excuse, too hot, too wet, too icy.... never mind... sometimes taking a stomp in the worst conditions is enough to get the blood coursing and that sense of gratitude you get when returning to your cosy home is priceless.

Of course lifting your mood would not be complete if I did not suggest some good quality essential oils to re-energise your space. Sprinkle pure lemon oil around the house before going out and banging the door. When you come back you will experience the lift only lemon oil can give - a real zing. I go for earthy tones if walking in the forest - frankincense is deep and powerful like walking through a cathedral, sandalwood also has that woody, supporting quality, and both are excellent aids for mediation. Blended essential oils are extremely powerful too, to help sleep, to restore, to help focus, to release pent-up frustration....

Back to the topic of meditation, a good walk helps to clear the head when just sitting in one spot trying to clear the clutter is not doing it for you...

If you would like to know my current favourite inspirational, transformational reading list ping me an email ….

By Janine Mullenger @ Special Little People