Joy In The Breath

A healthy happy life requires balance, easier said than done, at least back in my 20’s and 30’s. Looking back I rarely took the easy route, was always toughest on myself and as a perfectionist, I had to do everything myself. Not necessarily, the best plan, especially if you’re a single mother working full-time. Without going into all the details, suffice to say ‘I lived in interesting time…’

In 2001, my life started to spiral out of control, but I’d always been good at brushing problems, I had no solution to, under the proverbial carpet – a bit too good! Instead, I lived in denial, ignored my mounting symptoms while desperately trying to plough on through. By the end of 2002, I could no longer ignore the dark thoughts, constant negative internal monologues, and incessant crying for no good reason. Somewhere along the way I had turned into someone, I no longer recognised or liked for that matter. I was desperate to return to my usual sarcastic, independent self, and at this point was willing to try almost anything…

I went to see a Doctor and he confirmed what I already suspected, I was suffering from stress-induced depression, commonly known as professional burnout. I went home with a prescription for Effexor (antidepressant) and Xanax (anti-anxiety), along with a dose of anger at myself for letting down the side and not being strong enough. Antidepressants are not a quick and easy fix, just the opposite in my experience, they can take anywhere between 6 to 8 weeks to take effect. Then there are the side effects, some of which are no joke, like ‘…you may suffer from suicidal thoughts…’ I mean seriously!

Anyway, when the antidepressants did kick in I felt numb and disconnected, a feeling I didn’t enjoy and considering I was depressed, that’s saying something. Then one morning I woke up and came to the slow, horrible realisation that I had no memory of the last 3 days, not even a glimmer and that scared me. I flushed all the pills down the toilet, against the Doctor’s advice, and for a while, I went back to brushing things under the carpet... Unfortunately, the problem with the carpet trick is a completely new set of self-made problems involving bailiffs, debt collectors, and me hiding in my bathroom pretending not to be home, started popping up...

Fast forward to May 2010, and everything came to a head in the form of a total mental meltdown in the reception area of my work, not pretty. When I got home, I rang my Doctor (a different Doctor I’d been seeing for 3 years) who listened to me for as long as it took to sob out my story. He pointed out that stress-induced depression was the curse of the strong, which turned out to be the first step in accepting that I had not failed at my life but rather, the circumstances of my life had failed me, and I didn’t have the tools to deal with them. My Doctor also gave me a prescription for Sipralexa (antidepressant), an appointment for the next week and the next 2 weeks off work. 2 weeks turned into 6 years, several more antidepressants and their respective side effects...

It was a slow process, with a few ups and a lot of downs, and a steep learning curve. Then in December 2012, I started taking Remergon (antidepressant) and for a time I really did start to feel like my old self. However, by August 2013 one of those aforementioned side effects kicked in big time. I gained 19 kilos in some unusual places like my knees, elbows, and knuckles to mention a few. Let me tell you there’s something very depressing about not fitting into one’s jeans due to fat knees! I stopped taking Remergon and for a few months I was okay, but eventually, I felt myself slipping down that all too familiar slope... So in March 2014, I started on yet another antidepressant, Redomex, and wondered not for the first time why someone hadn’t come up with a ‘Reboot’ pill for the brain - a reset to default settings so to speak.

In March 2015, I came across a youtube video about an ex-paratrooper who’s Doctors told him that he’d never walk unaided again. After 15 years of believing them, he started a daily yoga practice and his transformation over the next 10 months was nothing short of incredible. I was inspired enough to go out and buy a yoga box set and one of the DVD’s was ‘Ashtanga Yoga for Beginners’ with Nicki Doane. The first time I practised, I had no expectations; I unrolled my mat and started the DVD.

That very first Sun Salutation going down into Chaturanga (Four-limbed staff pose) beads of sweat formed on my forehead, on the second the sweat rolled off my nose onto my mat. I had no control over my descent, which was more like a splat into the forming pool of sweat followed by muttering… There was nothing easy about it, I hadn’t moved like this in decades, but I kept the ex-paratrooper in mind and breathed on through! The DVD guided me up to Parshvottanasana (Sideways stretching pose), which took me about 45 minutes, and all the while the pool of sweat on my mat grew. When I sat down for the final 3 poses every inch of my body felt energized and my brain was silent, no dark thoughts, no negative monologues, just blissful contentment...

For the first time in 15 years, I felt fantastic, and that wasn’t something I took lightly given my history. The next morning, getting out of bed was a challenge. I hurt all over but I felt incredible. So along with my morning antidepressant, I unrolled my mat, started the DVD and sweated my way through it all again. Over the next 2 weeks, I repeated this routine and the pain got less, the poses got easier, but more importantly, I kept feeling fantastic. That’s when it dawned on me; Yoga was the reset button I’d been longing for throughout my illness and it was such an easy fix, with no side effects only benefits...

Over the next couple of months, I worked my way up to Navasana (Boat pose) – ‘Half Primary’ – and every day it got a little bit easier. Not to say there weren’t challenges, but by focusing on my breath and doing my best in that moment I could still flow through the practice and reap all the benefits. I now felt ready for a teacher and was very lucky to hit gold on the first strike with ‘The Ashtanga Space Brussels’ and Francesca Di Rosso.

Almost 3 years on and I still feel fantastic, I’m no longer on any form of medication, my knees are back to their usual size, and even better I’m now equipped with the tools – my daily yoga practice - to deal with most of what life can throw at me. After 15 years of searching, it was such an easy fix and my life is easier and a lot less stressful...

Feeling Left Out Again...

At the end of February of last year I got a phone call from my sister informing me that our mother (then aged 84) had suffered a major stroke and had been admitted to Addenbrooke's stroke ward, in Cambridge.

As I've already discussed, I felt immense sorrow and regret over not seeing my father before he died. So when my sister offered to pay for my ticket over to the UK to see our mother I jumped at the chance.

I put my life on hold for the next eight weeks and looked after my mother's every whim and need. It was a very stressful time in my life, without even taking into account things that were happening back in Belgium! That is a story for another day...

Then in November of last year my mother rang me up and announced that my son would be staying at University to study over the Christmas period. This bombshell left me feeling lower than low at a time in my life when I was already down in the dumps.

Eventually, I rang up my son only to find out that my mother wanted him to come and pick her up at home, take her over to Italy - where my sister and her family live - then return to Italy and take her back over to the UK. Now this vital piece of information, for what ever reason, my mother had withheld!

So we both agreed that he (my son) would come over to Brussels and spend the Christmas holidays with me, his godmother and our friends. Anyway, after talking to my sister it was agreed that we would all spend Christmas in Italy with her and her family... From my point of view we all had a good time but obviously something about this arrangement didn't sit well with my mother!

Now fast forward to last week, and yet another phone call from my mother letting me know that she was off to Italy, and yes you guessed it, once again she wanted my son to come and pick her up and take her over. Only this time my son would be spending a week in Italy before starting his summer job in London.

When I pointed out that had I have known I would have booked myself a ticket to Italy so that I could spend some time with my son she responded that she thought I was saving up to go to Sierra Leon (Africa) later this year. In that moment I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart, so I hung up on her.

I can't help but feeling that she orchestrated the whole thing so that I would not be able to come over. Why do I think this? This time around she dropped her bombshell two days before their departure, knowing full well that I would never find a cheap ticket or for that matter someone to come and look after my cats...

When it comes to my mother I perpetually feel like I'm all dressed up for the party, but never get the invitation. Furthermore, I hate the fact that the woman can still reduce me to tears!

...And Then There Was Me...

There is something to be said about the bond between a daughter and her father...

As a little girl I wanted nothing more than to grow up and marry mine. In fact, the sentiment I was trying to portray was to find a man like my father... with the same morals, sense of adventure and humour, with an ability to see the good and funny in most things in life. A perpetual optimist who enjoyed each day as if it where his first.

 

My father was truly a great man, with all of the aforementioned qualities, and while he was alive everything in the world seemed right... with his passing my world dimmed. I lost my footing for a while as it seemed, to me at least, that my father - the eternal believer in my abilities - had taken his faith with him, and that is when the negative, dark thoughts started to filter into my mind.

Perhaps it was because I felt a great deal of sorrow and regret for not getting the chance to say goodbye to this wonderful man I was lucky enough to call Daddy, and that feeling lingered and festered into an unhealthy dose of guilt. Add to that the repeated hiccups that every day life brings, and the stress starts to build with nowhere to go.

Now don't get me wrong I love my mother but she has the unique ability to rub me up the wrong way. Where my father saw only the good in me, my mother has always tended to see the bad and okay as a teenager I was rebellious to a fault. Having said that I'm now in my forties and have come a long way from the rebel I was. Yet still my mother finds fault, and unfortunately from where I'm sitting, will never fully approve of me or the life I chose...

The ABC Of Mental Health Project

The other day I wrote about a virtual community currently housed on Google Plus - Dopamine Stream - that offers support to Mental Health sufferers by way of an allocated sponsor...

 

As part of this community I'm setting up a blog aptly called The ABC Of Mental Health. A place for Mental Health sufferers and caregivers to share their stories, experiences and tips. If you would like to share your Mental Health Journey, let me know!

Furthermore, I want to create a series of fact sheets highlighting the ABC of Mental Health disorders. An easy to follow info sheet of each disorder's symptoms, pertinent websites, and other relevant information. So, if you're a medical professional - specifically working in the Mental Health field - and would like to share your valuable insights and expertise please contact me.

I would love to hear all your ideas, suggestions and thoughts on the matter, the more the merrier! If, like me, you want to see the stigma attached to Mental Health eradicated and believe that the only way to do so is by informing others, one person at a time. If you're interested and would like to be part of this fledgling project drop me a line, be it as a Mental Health sufferer, Mental Health caregiver or Medical professional working in the field...

DS Is For A Virtual Community...

I believe that a group of people or community can create an environment for change... The more we Stand Up for what we believe in, the more chances we have of being noticed as a Community, especially when it comes to Mental Health issues. The more we are noticed as a Community, the more chances we have of being heard as One Voice. The more we are heard as One Voice, the more chances we have of stopping the stigma unjustly attached to Mental Health...

So to that end I'm going to write about an online community that I am both a member of and a Sponsor. Dopamine Stream is a safe virtual community - set up for Mental Health sufferers by Mental Health sufferers - where you can be heard without judgement. We are an open-minded mixing pot of Mental Health sufferers and some Mental Health professionals, all with a common goal to see the system change when it comes to Mental Health and any issues associated with it.

We understand just how hard it can be sometimes to open up to the people closest to you. This, unfortunately, holds especially true when it come to our Mental Health. As a group of people, we are uniquely placed to understand where you are coming from and what you are going through, as we have been there ourselves. Sometimes it is easy to be honest and frank with a stranger then someone you know, and that is what your allocated sponsor it there for!

All our sponsors are volunteers and either suffer from - and have found a balance - or have suffered from Mental Health issues. We are always on the look out for volunteers to join us, so if you're a medical professional or a survivor of Mental Health issues and would like to give back by joining our ranks of sponsors we would love to hear from you. Even if you only have a couple of hours a week of your time to volunteer, every little bit counts...

So Come & Join Us @ Dopamine Stream..

It All Started... Part Two

Previously...

Back in 1951, the pubs in New Zealand closed at 6pm, while hotel bars stayed open for their guests until 11pm. Now, Rae had ever been in a pub but it seemed like the most natural thing to go for a drink before dinner. Earlier, as she had climbed into her car, her mother had warned, ‘Don't go up to his room and stick to ginger ale.’ Now feeling slightly rebellious, Rae let Ted order her a gin and tonic. As she sat on her bar stool sipping her drink, she felt that she had finally arrived.

 

Dinner at the hotel restaurant was a relaxed and leisurely affair. It was generally assumed by the staff that men ate more than women did, and accordingly, they were always served bigger portions along with seconds if they wanted them. Their buxom waitress, Nancy, was all over Ted, keeping his plate full while giving Rae the cold shoulder. Although Rae was very petite, she was more than capable of eating huge quantities when the food was good. But if she was slighted by the waitress, she hardly noticed, because Ted only had eyes for her.

After dinner, they took a long walk around Oriental Bay. Wellington had never looked as beautiful to Rae as it did that evening. Back at the hotel, Ted invited her up to his room for a pot of Earl Grey tea. She was rapidly falling for this stranger whose voice sent shivers down her spine. They drank their tea and continued chatting until Ted dozed off on his single bed. Feeling tired, Rae curled up next to him and fell asleep, as though it were the most natural thing in the world.

At midnight, the ringing of the phone woke them abruptly. Ted instinctively went to answer it but stopped short when Rae screamed. ‘Don’t answer that, it’s my mother!’

She ran around in a panic, gathering her purse and shoes. Ted accompanied her to the car, then leaned in the car window and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. ‘Good night and sweet dreams, Rae.’

When Rae got home, her mother was waiting in the kitchen, a pot of tea brewing, and an expectant look on her face. Obviously, her mother was full of questions but she remained smugly uncommitted throughout the inquisition.

Three weeks later, Ted was back on business and he rang again. Her mother answered the phone, while Rae signalled to her that she was not in. Accordingly, Win informed Ted that Rae was off on a weekend trip to the Marlborough Sounds, and then promptly agreed to have dinner that evening.

That is how it came to be that Rae was home alone on a Saturday night, while her mother was out having dinner with her date. At 4am when her mother got home Rae was livid but she suppressed all interest in what she had to say about the evening. Even so, she was wounded by another snide remark, this time that Ted, fifteen years Rae’s senior, was too old for her. Somehow, Rae bit back that if Ted was too old for her, then he was equally too young for Win, being fifteen years her junior.

Still, Rae learnt something about herself that morning; she was willing to fight for her man. Next time Ted called, Rae almost tripped over the carpet in her rush to answer the phone. On their second date, they had dinner again and went dancing afterwards. Only this time as they were saying good night, Ted leant his head in the car window and kissed her gently on the lips.

 

Rae Baker and Ted Wood, my parents, were married at the Wesley church on 19^th February 1954. In 1955, my father invented the first automated starting stalls for racehorses. Together, my parents travelled the world, visiting one exotic location after another, while he installed his invention. My mother has often said that her life truly began the moment she met my father. By anyone’s standards, my parents had an incredible life together right up until my father’s death on 26^th February 2001. Had he lived, my parents would have celebrated their 59^th wedding anniversary this year.

It All Started... Part One

Rae had been restless all day. Whatever she did, her thoughts kept returning to Douglas and their two-year-old engagement. Most of her friends dreamt of getting married, but not Rae. She felt sure she had a lot of living to do before making that sort of commitment. She had met Douglas at a dance, and though he was a good dancer and a nice person there were no sparks. Still all their friends thought they were a perfect match.

Normally this would not have swayed Rae, but her mother learned that Douglas worked for the Post Office. Her snide remark (‘So, he’s a stamp licker.’) made Rae view her suitor in a more favourable light. Who do you think you are, she thought, but stopped short of saying anything.

When the phone rang, Rae considered not answering it for a second in case it was Douglas.

‘Hello?’ Hearing a resonant male voice respond, she relaxed immediately.

‘Good afternoon, Ted Wood here, may I speak to Win Baker please.’

Feeling slight flustered Rae had to sit down, ‘I’m sorry but Win isn’t at home right now.’

‘Are you Laurie’s daughter by any chance?’

‘No, Laurie is my uncle. I’m Rae, Win’s daughter.’

‘But Win doesn’t have a daughter, her brother Laurie does though.’

Then it clicked, Ted Wood probably wanted to talk to the previous tenant, who by a strange coincidence was also named Win Baker. She felt inexplicably disappointed; however, he did not seem at all bothered that they did not know each other. ‘So tell me a little bit about yourself Rae.’

Over the next hour, they chatted easily about everything from current events to what they did for a living. Ted smoothly rounded off the conversation by asking Rae out to dinner. This made her blush with pleasure, but she declined gracefully, cursing her engagement to Douglas once more.

Rae had intended to call off the engagement from the moment she’d accepted, but had never found the courage. As luck would have it, Douglas turned up on her doorstep a couple of days later with an ultimatum that propelled her into action.

‘Our engagement has gone on long enough. I’m giving you two months, Rae. Set a date for the wedding or I’ll call it off.’ He stood there awkwardly waiting to see what her reaction would be.

Rae was shocked, but more so to hear herself saying, ‘I really don’t feel confident enough to take such a step Doug. I think it would be best for everyone concerned if we call it off now.’

There, it was out. She had finally told Douglas how she really felt and it was a relief. With those words, a weight lifted from her shoulders and her life was filled with possibilities again.

As the months passed, Rae sometimes thought back to the conversation she’d had with Ted. After what seemed to her like an eternity, he was back in Wellington on business and rang up to invite her to dinner. Even though she’d been enjoying her freedom, a little voice told her to go for it. She agreed to meet him the following evening at his hotel, the Royal Oak, one of the most prestigious hotels in the city.

 

Rae felt apprehensive as she drove her blue Humber 6 to Manners Street, realising for the first time that she had never seen the man she was about to meet. The manager was manning the reception desk when Rae entered the hotel foyer, and inquired if he could help her. Subduing the urge to bolt from the lobby as fast as her stilettos would allow, Rae smiled nervously and announced that she had come to meet Mr Ted Wood. Picking up the desk phone, the manager directed her to wait in the lounge. Sitting there opposite the door, the apprehension came back and the desire to bolt returned. Thankfully, before she could act on her impulse a tall well-dressed man walked over to her, hand outstretched.

‘Hello, Rae, sorry I’m late. I’ve just come back from calibrating a ship. Would you care to join me in my room while I freshen up?’

Paying no heed to her mother’s teachings, she accepted. Ted exuded confidence, he was relaxed and charming, which put Rae instantly at ease. As he shaved, he chatted amiably to her reflection in the mirror. The click, clack of his rocker razor was unique, just like the man standing in front of her.

To be continued...